6 WORDS THAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME

1. Precious
Since the premiere of the movie Precious, this word just hasn’t been quite the same. Cute little girls everywhere are saddened by the fact that they can no longer be called ‘precious’ with a straight face. Sigh.

However, the word does make for great jokes:

X: “Didn’t you mess with Toya last night?”
Y: “Yeah. So did every other nigga on the block. Shorty got that precious pussy. Couldn’t even tell when my dick was inside of her ‘cause of all the room.”

2. Aah

"I make ya say aah just like I'm ya doctor,
All I prescribe is cranberry and vodka..."

More of a sound than an actual word, Trey Songz has completely transformed a visit to the doctor’s office. Saying ‘aah’ and opening wide have brand new meanings. Dudes should be thanking Trey for making it so easy to spot girls in the club who are more than willing to open wide when they're thirsty.

3. Burrr
According to Urbandictionary.com, this term was “coined by Gucci Mane, referring to how icy his chains are.”

Let’s be real. Gucci didn’t make this word hot. Bring it On did! He just brought it to the hood.

“Burr, it’s cold in here. There must be some Torros/Clovers in the atmosphere.”

4. Gucci
Gucci Mane, born Radric Davis, not only stole the word “burrr,” but he also hoodified the designer name ‘Gucci.’ This Italian fashion and leather goods label will never be the same again. I’m sure if someone did the research, they would see that Gucci sales have gone down drastically in white neighborhoods since Radric got hot. GUCCI!

5. Barbie
Once a word used to describe the dolls that little girls all over the world played with, the word ‘barbie’ is now the single most popular noun used to describe hoes and hoodrats in every ghetto neighborhood. From twitter and AIM to music videos on our television sets, these faux (hoodrat) barbies have infiltrated our homes. Be careful. Your little sister, friend, mother, or cousin could be next. As soon as you see the full head weave and bangs thicker than Alicia Keys' thighs, all hope should be gone.

Reminder: Lil’ Kim was the original black barbie. She was just so cool that she didn’t have to refer to herself as one. I bet Nicki can’t make a 2 liter disappear in her mouth. Yup, I said it.

6. Becky
It's official. Thanks to Plies, half of the white girls in America have applied to have their names changed. Becky can no longer answer a question in class without hearing, "Can Ms. Becky please raise her hand....I need some of that good head right now."

But, are white girls really the best at fellatio? Did Plies not see the Superhead sex tape? Does he not listen to Lil' Kim? I'm just sayin'.

I WANNA SEXT YOU UP (via BBM)

“sext message: a text message used in the hopes of setting up a later sexual encounter; a form of booty call; initially suggestive and then highly explicit.”
-- urbandictionary.com

I think this conversation speaks for itself. It's a little long for those of you only used to reading up to 140-character count messages.

? and X = anonymous BBMers

X: So, I really wanna mess with this guy, but I’m getting mixed signals.
?: What do you mean?
X: Like, one day he’s sending me these good morning texts and other days he takes forever to respond when I hit him up.
?: Hmmmm…how often do y’all talk?
X: We just started texting back and forth like a week ago?
?: What kinds of text messages?
X: Umm…like, ‘good morning’s, ‘what are you doing’s, and ‘how’s your day going’s.
?: Hmmm…anything dirty?
X: Unfortunately not.
?: Ho.
X: Lol. I mean, we both know I like sext messages. It’s like my mobile foreplay. Can I get a little textual seduction? Is that too much to ask for?
?: Lmao. I mean, who wouldn’t wanna sext/sex you?
X: That’s what I’m saying…but, he hasn’t sent me anything inappropriate =(
?: Lol. Maybe he’s a gentleman.
X: Uhhh….what’s that?
?: Lmaooo. I forgot you don’t do those…why don’t you just send the first one?
X: ‘Cause then I’ll really look like a ho. He can at least initiate…then I won’t feel like a total telewhore.
?: Telewhore? Where do you come up with these words? smh….but, maybe you should let him know it’s okay to talk dirty to you?
X: And, how am I supposed to do that? Text him like, “stop being so nice. Talk dirty to me, big boy” or “What are you wearing?” No, wait. “My fingers are tired of texting you. They’d rather be doing something else.” I can’t. I need someone bold. I don’t like putting in effort.
?: Maybe you should get J. Salts to write a blog post called “It’s okay to talk dirty to me,” so you can post it on his fb wall.
X: Lmaooo. That’s a good idea … but, like, I’ve never had this problem before. I’m so confused. Niggas usually be dying to stick some slick shit in a text.
X: And, honestly, when I know nothing is gonna come out of this text banter besides us having sex, I’d rather you start saying the slick shit from the beginning, instead of having me thinking you’re actually trying to do more than get in my pants. Like, there’s no need to play pretend with all that “I woke up thinking about your beautiful smile” shit. Next thing you know, we’re fucking and the only texts I’m getting are at two in the morning.
X: Sorry. I’m ranting, but I’m tired of closest assholes. Just be upfront with yours.
?: You’re right…but maybe this dude is actually a nice guy. And, wanting sex isn’t always synonymous with being an asshole. Maybe he’s waiting a while.
?: I know if a guy was texting me “what are you wearing” only after our second day of talking, I’d cut it quick. Maybe him bringing out his freak side is a progression.
X: Well, he’s taking too long. My freak side can’t wait for him much longer. I need that textual seduction (think Snoop Dogg’s “Sensual Seduction”)
?: Duh. You know the real name of that song is “Sexual Eruption"? smh.
X: What? Come again.
?: Yeah. Listen to the unedited.
X: Woww. Listening now. OD. I like it even more….shit got nominated for a Grammy? wtf.
X: I just had a revelation. I’m gonna write him a song.
?: I hope you’re kidding.
X: Oh, bad idea?
?: Umm…you can’t write or sing, homie.
X: I’m gonna rap. Nicki Minaj ain’t got shit on me. Yo. Uh huh. Yeah. Mic check 1-2, 1-2. Cheaaa. Uh huh.
X: Waiting for you to stop texting me up and start sexing me up/
Move the fingers from the phone and put ‘em where they belong/
Take your hand off your berry and play with my cherry.
Cheaaa.
Okay, maybe I can’t rap.
?: lmaoooooooooooooo. Ya think? Please stop now.

SIZE MATTERS (via BBM)

"You see I had this brother who was mad at me
'Cause I told my home girl that he wasn't packin'
Told the truth so I really don't give a damn
That I spilled the beans on his little short stem, man (oh)"
-- "Girl Talk," TLC

Let's be honest. Size matters. From income and McDonald's fries to large breasts and fat asses, we live in a society of "the bigger, the better." There's a reason Magnums come in gold wrappers and Beyonce wrote a song about big egos.

This anonymous BBM convo is just one instance of two women discussing the importance of size. Remember, girls talk....so maybe you should start listening.

WARNING: IT'S A LITTLE X-RATED. I had to close my eyes at parts =)
? and X = anonymous BBMers

?: So, maybe I wasn't twisted enough, but he looked "thin"
X: Damn. I guess his basic bitch isn’t feeding him
?: Yeah ‘cause I def couldn’t feel it at first… you would’ve prob mistaken it for a finger lol
X: Yuckkkkkkkk
X: I thought you just meant his body
X: Pencil dicks are wack #weoffthat. Actually, we were never on that.
?: Omggg
?: I know!!!
?: I didn't wanna show him my skills
X: Def not!!!!
X: You can't just put any penis in your mouth
X: That's an honor. How are you gonna lick him like a lollipop if he only has the stick? … you can’t!
?: Werddd ‘cause I be goin’ in when I do lol
?: He def did not have me wantin’ to lick the wrapper
?: And effing…that was just completely out of the question
X: Hahahah. You prob wouldn’t have felt anything anyway.
X: No te veo su pene porque es muy pequenoooooo
?: Lmaooooooooooo
?: For real
X: What about that other dude?
?: Yeahh he could get it lol. He aighht =D
?: Gotta see how thin he is first
X: Like, I legit can't mess with a dude with a small penis
?: Trueee
?: Me, neither!
?: That’s mad disrespectful to even bring that around me
X: hahahahahaha
X: Like, how are you supposed to be a dick pleaser with nothing to work with?
?: For real. But why are you sucking Lil Wayne’s dick right now with this bbm convo?!?
X: I can't help it. I'll bring in some Kanye. You need a big ego. You can't stroke a small one. You tried last night and failed. bahahaha. *kanye shrug*
?: Groupie ass. But back to the convo…Dudes lacking in certain areas usually do other things better, though
X: Okay, but that can take you but so far. Everyone wants a hot pocket sometimes, but when it’s time for a full course meal, what the hell are you supposed to do?
?: You righttt
X: I know.

HOW TO BAG A LAST MINUTE VALENTINE

Gone are the days when we were forced to trade little heart candies and mini perforated Valentine’s Day cards with all of our classmates – even the unpopular kids that no one liked – so that everyone had a Valentine. Now, we’re all grown-up and actually have to get people to like us. Go figure!

I understand that this is still a hard concept for some to grasp. So, for all of you lonely readers waiting around for some hard candy with cheesy messages inscribed on top, hoping to avoid cuffing with your pillow and blanket this Valentine’s Day, here are some easy-to-follow instructions to help you bag a last minute Valentine:

1. Find lonely girl/guy
This person can usually be found at a single’s party a few days before Valentine’s Day, in the carb and/or candy aisle at the grocery store, alone at the movie theatres watching a romantic comedy, or in the porn section of your local video store.

2. Approach lonely girl/guy with amazing pick-up line
Along with some Valentine’s swag (urbandictionary it, bitches), you must come correct with an adequate pick-up line to lure him or her in. Here are some examples: - “I may not be in Young Money and my name may not be Fred Flinstone, but I can make your bed rock (in Lloyd voice)…at least for Valentine’s Day.”

- “Damnnnn, ma. Walk by me looking like that again and I might have to use my last minute to call cupid to come shoot yo’ fine ass. Damn!”

- As the prospective Valentine goes to grab a snack from the candy aisle, look at the tag on his/her shirt and then say: "Oh, made in < insert name of country on tag…most likely China >? I could’ve sworn you were made in Heaven!"

- “You might not be the best lookin' girl/guy here, but beauty's only a light switch away. Wanna go back to my place? Might even let you stay ‘til Valentine’s Day.”

- This line tends to work better for the ladies: "Hi. My name is < insert name here >. Remember it because you'll be screaming it later."

- Here’s one more (use it cautiously): “If I could rearrange the calendar, I’d put Valentine’s Day right after New Year’s so I could start the year off right with you as my Valentine.”

3. After amazing pick-up line lures him/her in, go in for the ‘bag.’
Relax, smile, and make your move. It’s for Valentine’s Day, so be creative with your date suggestion. Maybe a home-cooked meal and a movie? An indoor picnic? Or, a night at the museum?

After the date, the rest is up to you. Hopefully, you’ll get lucky and your date will give you some V-day sex, V-day sex (think Jeremih).

“Don't need cards or cake,
just need your body to make
V-day sex,
V-day sex

(Let’s make this the best day of the year)

V-day sex,
V-day sex...”

4. Please remember…
that this is still cuffin’ season, and this may only be a temporary, seasonal hook-up. Please don’t get overly excited. Once the sun comes back out, so will the ho tendencies of your Valentine. You’ve been warned.

Enjoy your Valentine’s Day! I know you want to riiide out…